Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

I heard this joke on the radio last night & burst out laughing:

There were two peanuts walking down the street the other day & one was assaulted (a salted....get it?).

He's A Mean One.....Mr. Grinch

Christmas was going along okay yesterday. I am still under-the-weather and had to rest a lot during the festivities. Things seemed fine when I heard my phone beep. A text came through from the infamous Cowboy wishing me a merry christmas. Yeah--thanks. I went out for dinner to a relative's home & got back late. There's a voicemail for me. Yippee! I had talked to everyone already so I wondered who it was.................idiot. "Hi, Tanya....it's me. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I don't know if you want to hear from me but I wanted to tell you. I wish you'd call. I still love you."

I muddle it through. The words I wanted to hear. But not the way I wanted to hear them. So, exhausted and still sick, I decide to call him around 11pm. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I told him it was hard to call him because I want him to be in love with me...not love me. I told him I was so confused. He said after I sent that text in November telling him I was still in love with him he went out with friends & they asked if I was moving there. He said not that he knew of. They said then this won't ever work, will it. He thought about it & decided...without telling me...that it wasn't going anywhere & that's why he did this. I came back with "What happened to Ohio? What happened to us making that work? What happened to me driving it with you? And what happened to seeing eachother next week?" I told him about moving there for the summer & if I could find permanent work, staying out there for a bit longer than 4 months. He asked me why I hadn't told him. I said "I wanted to tell you in person, not over the phone. I would have told you next week. But apparently your new friends already changed your ideas. You had already moved on to Laura (the slut)." He said "I wasn't dating her then"...............................I choked. I said "What do you mean 'then'? That means you are dating her" He said "It kind of happened." I said "Kind of? Isn't this the one who used you to get another guy & she slept with him that same night?" His reply? "Well, I can't be sure she did. That may not be true." OKAY---what woman tells another guy she slept with a guy on the first day he would give her the time of day if it wasn't true? So I said "Don't back peddle this now. Don't make her out to be all innocent." And the Ohio thing? He said he chickened out. I asked him why he didn't just tell me. He said he didn't know how. Am I that hard to talk to? I supported him staying there. I supported him moving to Ohio. I repeatedly asked him to come back to NY.

He told me his feelings for me aren't changed & that he "put a wall up because it hurts so much" and all that crap. I hung up bawling saying "My Christmas was missing you & I spent it all alone & now I find out you spent it in the arms of another. Thank you for destroying my holiday". And I hung up. I am literaly nauseus over this. How do you love someone for so long & then in 3 weeks date someone else? Again--slut--and I say this because of what she did. It's not that I don't fault him at all in this but how do you go from dating me to dating a slut? It makes no sense.

Quarantined

I have been in this house for a week now. My last REAL outing was Sunday night when I went out for coffee with JW. Since then, I went to work Monday through Thursday & had come home, crashing each time because I was getting sick. Well, since Thursday morning, I have had a full-blown case of the flu. I had plans Wednesday night, Thursday afternoon & evening, Friday & yesterday & I had to bail on ALL of them. This flu is driving me crazy. For those who know me, I would have to have my arm severed off before I'd go to the doctor/hospital. I ended up going yesterday because I had no relief. What do I need to do? Relax. Drink plenty of fluids. Let it run it's course. Drat!

To add salt to my wounds, Cowboy called yesterday (on his way to work, ofcourse, incase I picked up we'd have LIMITED -- 10 minutes -- to talk) and left me a message saying how he feels bad that I am so hurt & he is hurting too but he didn't know how to do this......blah blah blah...........he hopes I have a happy holiday. So, because I can blame it on all of the medication swirling around in me, I called him when I knew he wouldn't pick up & said how I miss him & don't understand this & see no need to talk because when I ask him the questions he doesn't want to answer I'll get the "I don't know" response & it'll be good that he is 3000 miles away because I'd punch him if he said that to my face. I told him that he did exactly what all the others did & that's okay. He fits the mold of all the guys he scoffed at before him. I then wished him a happy holiday too. That was it. I didn't say it sarcastically, if you wanted to know. I said it all quietly because if I raised my voice at all I would have screamed or cried....and I won't give him that satisfaction. You can tell me not to call him but he owes me money still & I will have to keep some form of contact so I can try to get it without turning it into a legal issue.

I am going stir crazy in this house.

I'm Such A Wirl.........I Think

Elaine gave me a book to read titled "The 10 Women You'll Be Before You're 35" and I have been reading/skimming it for two weeks now. I see my current self in so many of the ten that the author describes. However, I seem to hold more qualities of a wirl than anything else.

Here's the list that tells one if she is in the "wirl" stage:

*you can sit in a room with someone in college and someone turning 40 and you
relate to both pretty well
*you wonder if the guy you're dating will ever propose to you, and then you're
terrified he might and you'll have to follow through with it.
*you research home equity loans, tax brackets, and life insurance on the internet.
10 minutes later you are playing video games on that same computer. (so me!)
*your siblings, friends, and parents are showing signs of aging for the first time
*people who were born while you were in high school are now driving, and something
about hat just seems wrong.
*professional athletes look like babies but you can still date one without raising
eyebrows


a big thing is someone calling you "Ma'am". I hate that one. This chapter also talks about the body issues.....metabolism slowing down & actually counting stupid calories, the fashion issue where you can still wear a tank, minishirt, and strappy sandals but the suit for work looks good too, you question what it means to "act your age".

While I enjoyed this book, it's driving me crazy to see the stages of life & independence in writing. It makes reality set in & that just sux.

Day 15 of Detox

As each day passes, I guess I am getting better. When Cowboy first told me that it was over, I cried so much that my everything hurt. I didn't say anything right away becasue the mere thought if it drove me over the edge. A couple days later it was all I could talk about. Every sentence began with "How could he?" and "Why did he...?" with hopes of someone having the answer I need so much.

When the first text came through, I was yanked back to crying hysterics. The second brought about anger & insult.

Now, I have not heard from him since that last text in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I think I am geting better. I am still hopeful that this will all blow over & he'll call & say it was a mistake & let's try this again. Yet, if I don't hear from him, I may be able to hang on to that last strand of sanity that (I think) I have.

I wonder how I will feel on Christmas & New Years? That will be so tough. And the three weeks off won't help the recovery process too much. I will just have to wait and see how I deal with it.

~Treading water

Glimmery S*itter

Crak & I exchanged gifts today at work. She is a riot. For some reason, she was trying to say shimmery & glitter at the same time & it came out wrong. I didn't realize it at frist, but I knew it was wrong & I said it back to her. That was when the actual words hit us! Yeah-----major slippage. Also, I shall no longer refer to her as Crak. Rather she & I are interchangeable enough to go as "Elaine & Suzie" (if you don't know that episode of 'Seinfeld'...nevermind).

Anyway..........the gifts..................

Elaine (or Suzie) gave me a Festivus Holiday book. To quote her: Hil. Air. E. Us. I want to host a Festivus party and use the recipes & decorating tips from this hysterical book. The next gift was a "How To Be Your Own Fairy Godmother" & it came with a pink star-shaped "fairy wand" that is actually a pen! Too Cute! Finally, she made a shirt with our new names on it. The front says "Elaine and Suzie..." and the back finishes off our famous saying....."Suzie & Elaine". I wanted to cry from laughing.

Thanks, Elaine, for the laughs & the funniest (and most appropriate) gifts! It was a Festivus miracle.

A Happy Festivus Season to all!

The Most Interesting Cards I Have Ever Seen

I was in the card store near my house this afternoon looking for a card for work. I walked down one aisle and a group of cards caught my eye. I always like to stop and read the ones that are the water color backgrounds....you know the ones that are all muted colors and one shade leads into the next? Yeah, those. Anyway, the topics started out pretty normal..."Thinking of You", "Missing You", "Sympathy" and then it got to "I'd Like To Get To Know You Better", "Sorry I Hurt You", "This Could Be Going Somewhere", and "I Am Not Sure This Will Work Out". It's like I walked down the reject aisle.....or better yet.....similar to the movie "Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys". These were the most misfit cards I have ever seen.

Why Is He Contacting Me?

I woke up at 5 am out of a deep sleep because of a nightmare I was having. I sat up & looked around panicking. When I finally caught my breath, I saw my phone with a text on it. Cowboy. "I am so sorry you are as mad, hurt, angry that you wont call me. Hope to hear from you soon. I am sorry"

Why would I call him? What do I have left to say to him? He's texting me at 3am for what reason? His evening is over & as he is winding down he is thinking about me? Both times he's sent me a text were at the end of his day off. Nice. I am the last thought you have so you finish with this so as not to feel guilty or something?

I asked JW why would a guy break up with you, ignore your text & message for a week & then text you that he doesn't understand why you won't call him. He said it makes no sense. He also said that when he & other guy friends break it off with someone, that's it. They don't call later on to "see how you are doing". I can say that every guy I ever dated who has broken up with me has called me within a month to "check on me". Gag me. I don't think it's for any other reason than to have a guilt-free conscious.

But, if anyone can give me an idea as to why he is doing this, other than what I think,let me know.

How Interested Is He?

NJ finally wrote back to me from two days ago. I notice that days pass before he'll respond. I don't get it. This isn't a major conversation of emails taking place. Its along the lines of where did you last travel....last movie you saw.....pets & siblings..........that's it. He asked a few questions in his last email that I answered & asked him a few. This time he only asked me why I went to Fla so often & then if I had any weekend plans because his weekend is BOOKED. Don't worry, Mr. NJ, I wasn't planning on asking you out & I am geting the feeling you don't want to meet up at all. Which is fine because you live in Jersey & I don't plan to commute to see you. ;)

Almost forgot to mention that I added him to my buddy list in case he wanted to chat. I figured he could initiate it. My one list is linked to the other so I can see the same names on both. Well, isn't it odd that he has me blocked on the email account I gave him but he doesn't know I could see he was on with my other name. Yeah, he popped up on that list & I was confused. So, as I asked, how interested is he? Not very!

Two Evenings in One

In was in the works some time now that Crak & I were to go out & try that restaurant/lounge FOUR. So, last night we dressed up a bit & headed on over. We got there with ease & had to valet the car (complimentary, ofcourse).

We went inside & had to wait for the host's attention for a few minutes before he'd even acknowledge we were standing there. They seated us soon after & put us in their "winter" room. It was the last of the four seasons (get it?) and so interesting. Wait. Let me describe the restaurant first. It's, as I just said, based on the four seasons. The lounge is the "spring" area with couches & ottomans to sit on. Everything is light shades of green. The bar area is "summer" and done in warmer colors. The table area is "autumn" and more earthy tones, while the final room is shaped like an igloo & has an egg-shaed tv suspended in the center with a screen fire burning to keep you warm. Outside there are four panels facing into the restaurant that have nature scenes of babbling brooks, birds flying and waterfalls to set the outdoorsy feel.

The winter room has five ginormous booths to sit in. They hold up to eight people comfortably but these yahoos sat just us two little people in this thing. It was completely empty in the dining areas but they sat us in a spot that was so out-of-the-way it didn't make sense. We can spin this in one of two directions: they were trying to hide us because (as we later saw) we didn't have enough silicone to offer OR we were in the VIP-ish area where we could relax & not be disturbed by all of those fawning for our attention. I said we'd go with the latter.

We ordered fun drinks, food & dessert. Crak had a FOUR-jito. Four liquors to make some rellay good tasting mojito. I had the Candy Store. Lots of melon vodka & other stuff---can't remember because the dirnk was that strong & I have no idea about alcohols--with pop rocks candy in the bottom & around the rim of the glass. The stirrer? A sour apple lollipop. I was having a sugar rush beyond belief. Dinner was a coconut grilled tilapia for Crak & I had crab cakes & flatbread pizza. Dessert was not so much fun. You think we would have learned from our Sushi Samba experience, but no. We ordered some chocolate coca cola cake. Not so good. To top it off, they bring a pile of cotton candy on a large wine glass to the table as your "after dinner mint", but it's not a mint. It's a big pink cloud of yumminess in front of you & your stuffed stomach. We ate it greedily. I dared Crak to lick it at the end because I wanted a funny shot for my phone but she wouldn't do it.

Well, sitting there tipsy, we scrolled through her phone to see what was on the list of things to talk about so we wouldn't talk about work. Gameboy was on the list. I said his name out loud. She said "You should call him". And so I did.

He answered the phone & all I said was "What are you doing? Wanna come to Melville from Brooklyn & make out with me? Be here asap." I hung up & Crak just laughed & said "I didn't think you'd call him". Oops....too late now!

Here is where the second evening kicks in. We are titling this
What Was Once Hot Is Barely An Ember

So less than one hour later, Gameboy shows up with Cyprus. Cyprus is his "older friend" he brought for Crak. Ummmm................I can't say much about the man because he chose to speak Greek the entire time & he was wearing what seemed to be a member's only jacket in red. Now, had he taken the jacket off, we'd have been able to see what we were working with. But he clinged to the thing as if he'd die without it.

Gameboy.............is growing his hair out. NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM. I was so turned on the last time I saw him I could barely contain myself. This time I was like "Dear God, Are you punishing me for something?" All I kept thinking of was the Seinfeld episode. You know the Festivus One? Jerry is dating a woman named Gwen. She only looks good in certain lights. The rest of the time they say things like "Yamma Hamma. It's fright night" and scream. That was me.

But, Gameboy is ever the gentleman & came out from work. Which he doesn't do for anyone. I mean he left his job at 8:15 in Brooklyn to come out by 9:15 to see me. This is a rare event. I don't know why he jumps for me in times like these, but it keeps me amused.

He asked if we wanted drinks. I said "water, please" and he turned to Crak and said somehting about me being wild and ordering water. She said "No, she needs to drink". He asked her what she wanted & she said nothing because she was driving & had sobered up from the FOUR-jito. He came back with a malibu & coke for me, grey goose & red bulls for him & his friend, and a fancy water for Crak. But, that's him. He is so good that way. Now if the fashion & hair gods had been on our side............................but sadly, no.

So we talked & flirted & talked & touched & then I started to feel really hot & dizzy. I said I had to go outside for some cooler air & thank goodness I did. I don't know if it was the mix of alcohols, the TONS of sugar, or the antibiotics (probably all three) but I felt lousy.

Crak & I stayed with them until 11ish when they got a table & we bailed. We went outside & had to wait (not too long) for our valeted car & started the ride home.

I have to thank Crak for being such a good sport through it all. Not only did we have fun during dinner laughing at random nonsense, but she waited for Gameboy & stayed with me (and them) until the table was ready. Very patient.

I got home & around 12:00, Gameboy called. We talked for over an hour. He flirted a lot with me & begged me to go over to his house (3 minutes away), but I was not feeling too hot & was already in pajamas. I asked him why he didn't kiss me there at the bar & he said he felt "weird because Crak was watching. I think she hates me." Okay drama man. Get over yourself. She doesn't hate you. She only knows you from what I have told her. We did agree to try & meet up later tonight for the make-out session we want so much. Before, I wanted to make out with him because he was hot. Now I want to make out with him simply because I need to kiss somebody & get myself over the Cowboy situation. I'll just have to sqeeze my eyes closed really really tightly so I don't have to face that hair. UGH!

A Literary Christmas

I saw this on a card at B&N the other night. I couldn't resist writing it down! Happy Holidays!

Twelve Grishams Gripping
Eleven Unfortunate Events Unfolding
Ten Clancy Heroes Leaping
Nine Hobbits Dancing
Eight Plots Thickening
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Six Book Club Meetings
Five Little Golden Books
Four Da Vinci Clues
Three Chilling King Tales
Two Green Eggs with Ham
And a Potter in a Pear Tree

Withdrawals

So.

I haven't called or sent him a text since Friday morning.........

I have been good. I have been (gulp) strong in not contacting him. However, I did send a letter that got out everything I needed to say & didn't know if I'd ever get the chance or the strength (to keep from crying). I wrote it Sunday night. I mailed it yesterday.

And now what? I get a text from him (at 3 am) saying "I miss hearing your voice. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you call soon." What? I didn't call? How about I left you a message Friday morning.............almost a full week ago. And you never did ANYTHING about it.

It is taking everything I have to not call him. To not text him. But I want the letter to get there first. And when he reads it, he may call. He may not. I may never call him again. I may never text him again. Unless, ofcourse, he changes his tune, sees the errors of his (stupid & selfish) ways and life is back to where it was supposed to be 4 weeks ago.

Pieces

I wish that your world
would come crashing down
around you and you'd
see me

standing there holding

the pieces of our memories.
the past in one hand
future in another

As I try to force these
pieces to fit together
and put into place the picture
I see so clearly in my mind.

I force them to try and take shape.
To interlock the way I anticipated them
to do.
But they are stuck, jammed into
one another

awkwardly

And as the puzzle begins to break
apart,
you walk away kicking
the pieces....
scattering my dreams
and all of the promises that were
to be our life.

How Long Does One Wait?

I finally got a reply from Mr. NJ. He sent it today. I haven't opened it & don't know if I will. However, if I do, how long should I wait before opening it?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Did you hear the news story about the pitbull puppy that chewed off 4 toes of a baby? Yes. The parents fell asleep in the room where their 1-month old baby and 6 week old puppy were and didn't bother to keep the two seperate. The puppy was trying to nurse (according to speculations from vets) and couldn't feed. Well, puppies chew. Everything. And chewed four toes off of this child. Didn't the baby cry? Wasn't there any screaming before the toes were completely severed?

Thank goodness the child is in foster care, but that poor puppy is in a cage waiting to find out his fate.

I say leave the puppy alone & euthanaize the parents.

(And send the puppy to me!)

Sucky Monster

I posted my resume on the site a week ago. I have gotten two replies so far. Are either good? You decide:

1) Work as a contract manager for an internet talent agency. There is a salary but much of it comes from commissions. I wanted to punch the monitor.

2) Teach English to eager students! In China. I don't want to move to Mastic Beach. Why would I want to live in China?

Things had better pick up with this site.

One Singular (it's supposed to be sensation but...) Lunatic

Okay~~~still venting. Still depressed. Still crying.

No word from Cowboy & it's been a week. We went longer last year because I had stopped talking to him because he failed to show up for the Chocolate Show. I didn't talk to him for three weeks & then another 3. The only reason I did was because of Thanksgiving. And then the day before Christmas. But since New Year's Day, we've talked non-stop.

I lost my best friend. At first I thought I was crying because it hurt that he didn't care & now there's nobody to feel all of those special things for or about me. I have come to realize that I am crying over him. Granted, some will say "it's just a week. get over yourself." I say to them "Too bad you've never felt so good about someone that losing them hurt you this much. Sad that you have gone through life not knowing that someone did feel that way about you & more."

If I knew things would work out between us, I'd be on a plane to Portland in 2 hours. Screw work & plans right now. That's where I'd be. Hoping to run into his arms at the gate.

I Am Not Into Playing Games

So, I had sent Mr. NJ my cell # in hopes that we would not play the email game. That was Thursday night. He emailed me on Saturday and answered my questions rather bluntly. He is a "junior", does live in NJ, and that's all he wrote. He asked me to tell him about myself. So, I replied about two hours after he sent it (that's when I got it) and told him that I like a lot of things. "I'm a total girly-girl", love the color pink, adore animals, reading and going out. I can talk a little bit about a lot of things like sports, cars, and current events." Then I asked him to tell me about himself. I have not gotten a reply. I can't figure out if he's doing that "three day rule" crap. I don't play these games. I can't be bothered with someone who does. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and will see what the next email holds, but what kind of guy asks to be set up & when he is does not use the number provided? What is it with men?

I have not heard back from Cowboy at all. I had sent him that text and then called him (foolishly) at 5 am on Friday, but he has not replied at all. He said he wanted to "be friends", and a friend should call you back.

But I am becoming more and more wise as to who true friends are and who just calls when they don't have anyone else to go out with. I am tired of these people and hope to be rid of them in 2007.

Leave It To CodeGirl

My co-worker has talked & talked about setting me up with some guy....any guy.....and had her sister mentionme to the sister's boss (confused already? I am) and he was supposed to email me. She told me two weeks ago he'd email me. Nothing. She sent me an email yesterday asking if AJ contacted me at all. I said "Nope". So, I come home tonight and look in my email & there it is. Very short. Very direct. Very New Jersey. ??? Thre was no mention of him being in Dirty Jersey. What the heck? I never saw Cowboy when he was in Commack---30 minutes away. What the heck do you do with 2 bridges?

I know I sound selfish & picky. I want someone close by so I can see them all of the time (if I want to...which I probably won't want to but still).

All it said was that he heard a lot about me and would love to get to know me better. He hoped it was okay to email me since that what he was told to do. I sent it back that it was okay...asked what the "J" stood for in his name & if he lives in NJ. I also included my number so that I don't have the NYU guy sour cream fiasco again. Remember that from March? UGH! (Still reeling over it.)

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Don't get me wrong............I have been crying since last night about Cowboy. I almost didn't make it to work because I couldn't see out of my puffy eyes. I sent him a text this morning telling him how I always needed him & had planned a lifetime of needing him. I have not heard back form him at all. Keep in mind he goes to work at 2pm. That's 5 pm our time. So what......you can't call me or text me in the day? I am only good for your free minutes? Again, it's more of the "nobody out there to feel that way for me again" than it is anything else. Selfish? Yes. But I am getting too old to be alone much longer. I want a family & need to get moving on with that fast if it's to happen. Cowboy always talked about our "family". I had names all picked out and everything. Yup. Rambling.

Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Well, that's it. Cowboy & I are over. Completely. I know some people think we've been done for quite some time now, but the truth is that we weren't. We were still in love with eachother. We wanted to try and make things work. We talked all of the time. But, it is no longer.

He's been talking very differently to me for the last three weeks. Three weeks ago, I listened to him talk about this woman (slut) that he works with & how she would call him & text him & never leave him alone. I said that he should ask her out on a date if he wants to. He became angry with me and said "Why do you say these things to me? You know I don't want anyone else." I felt bad & apologized and the next morning sent him a text that said "you know you are still my best friend and I am still in love with you". He sent one back (when he woke up & got it hours later) "Thak you so much. I needed to know that."

Ever since then the calls are sporadic. Granted, he just got promoted and his hours have changed. He's been hanging out with her and other people & having fun & helping to pick up the pieces of their lives. I pointed this out to him last Friday and he wasn't too happy. I got the bum's rush & he was off to pick them all up & go out. He said "I may call you later".

I didn't hear from him & had called him and that conversation was a cold one. I put him on the spot and asked him what was wrong & what was going on with us. He said nothing was wrong and nothing had changed between us. I told him how I was jealous that he's always driving these people around & helping to straighten up their lives & could never help me with mine. I told him I was always picking up the pieces of his life but he never jumped like this for me. He said that's because I don't need anyone to do that. I said that was not true and he said it was. I didn't need him. (I am tired of people saying this to me. I do need them. I may not be a total basketcase but I have noticed when I am they are never there for me.)

I said to him last night that I needed reassurance that we were okay. I got nothing. I became suspicious. He called & left a message today that he was out shopping & would be busy the rest of the night. I called him back just now & managed to catch him on his way home. I told him that I still needed something from him and he said "I care about you a lot". That is VERY DIFFERENT from "i am in love with you". I said this & he was quiet. I said "How come I can give you that reassurance but get nothing from you? I need you now to pick up a piece and you can't do it." Still---nothing. I said "Just say it. You love me but are not in love with me." He said "Yes. That's it. I just didn't want to hurt you." ???!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? You what!?! I told him how he basically used me like every other guy I dated and now that he has his life settling in & there's no room for me he can move on. He said he didn't use me. Well, what the heck do you call that? In three weeks time you change? You needed my love three weeks ago but now don't have any for me?

I hung up crying and that is what I am doing now. It was so comforting to know that someone still felt that way about me. And we did get along so well & he was such a good sport about so many tihngs. I miss him terribly every day & was so happy each night that we'd talk. I was so set on him being able to move to Ohio (where I'd consider moving to if I could get a job) or back here (so I wouldn't have to move at all) and now it's over. Seeing him in September was reassuring that I mattered. That we made eachother feel good. I was all set to hit "Purchase" on a ticket to Portland for Jan 2 while we talked. Thank goodness I didn't do that.

Happy F*^*%@n holidays to me.

Mr. Sandman

I am so tired. I don't know why. I am falling asleep before 11:30 and not waking up to the alarm. I had to move it acros the room so I would stop shutting it off in my sleep. I almost fell asleep in class today. They were peer-editing so I had no real reason to interact with them, but when you feel your head bobbing forward, it can't be good. I don't like to be tired. For me it usually means the onset of a CFS episode, which can last for weeks at a time.

To compound the exhaustion, I have a migraine that is so terrible I can barely function. It's been pounding away since 12 today. I had to cancel plans for this evening because I am a waste. I can't drive like this & noise (in general) is driving me insane.

And, the situation with Cowboy has not improved. The depression from this compounds this whole issue. I fear losing what seems to be the last relationship I will have for awhile..........even if it hasn't really been a relationship this last year.

I am just asking for a restful night's sleep, the relief of this migraine, and ....................lost my train of thought with the pounding in my head. I'll try to remember what it is I wanted to write.

I Have No Right To Be...........But I Am

Cowboy called me while I was in the city on Wednesday night. I asked him if I could call him back when I was home & not battling the NYC lunacy. He said I probably wouldn't be able to get in touch with him because he was headed over to a friend's house to "comfort her". She was just fired from her job & he ....indirectly.... was getting that position. He felt bad & was heading over to her apartment to help cheer her up. He griped about the company & I thought 'Uh-Oh. He'll quit'. That's what he does. Something ticks him off & he jumps ship.

Anyway, I figured I'd try to get in touch with him anyway. It went to voicemail. No biggie. But my eyes went green. He never hauled himself out to console me. Not like this. And he isn't dating this woman....as far as I know. I left him a message & said I'd talk to him Thursday.

Well, no word from him on Thursday. There is a 3-hour difference between us & he works from 1-9...2-10? I don't know. And that's his time. Which means it's approaching 12 or 1 am here. I am not awake. So we wouldn't be able to talk.

Friday rolls around & there's no message, text, or missed call. I called him and thought I'd hear back. Nope. I sent a text. He replied his time 11 pm. Umm.....you get breaks. Jerk. Can't call me and we're friends+ for five years but you can run ragged for this woman you know three months. Yup.

He called me about an hour ago...10:30 his time. He's on the road to pick up people and head out to some Winter Festival. Sounds nice! I kidded around with him that I couldn't get him out at that hour. He didn't find it funny. I could get him out but if I wanted to be on the road by 9 am he was leaving Commack at 9:05 to still make the 25/30 minute drive to me. So I have a right to be bitter...just a bit. I then said I thought I hadn't heard from him because he went to console this woman & felt so bad that he 1) proposed to her to make her feel better & they are on their way to Reno or Vegas to make it official OR 2) quit his job & he's now living with her because his family would kill him if he did that again. He said "No, I didn't quit my job. Aren't there any good scenarios?" I pointed out that he skipped over the marriage/living with her thing & he didn't reply. I am not sure if he was avoiding it because I am semi-correct or if he ignored me because I ticked him off. He usually hates when I say things like that. But those green eyes get the best of me.

He said he'd "try" to call me later on. I said he shouldn't worry about it because it's no big deal. He said "Yeah. I may try. I don't know."

It's not that I don't want him to be happy. It's not that I don't want him to have a life and a girlfriend. It's just that I want a boyfriend first. Is that so wrong of me?

Awareness

Today, December 1, 2006, is the 19th Annual AIDS Awareness Day. It is also the 25th anniversary of the discovery of the true disease and it's complications. It's so weird to live in a world now where people have grown up not realizing that this is a serious problem. It is estimated that 4 million people are diagnosed every year. Frightening.

Be aware. Take care. Stay safe.

Crappy Pasta (Amongst Other Things)

It's the first Friday of the month & that means a training session at work. Once again, they made us sit through the same mombo-gumbo that we have heard for a few years now. The difference? The background settings for the powerpoint presentation were different. Oooooooooo.................pretty. We did not get breakfast. And then they slam us with some yucky pasta alfredo (that a few people can't eat for dietary/health reasons), a limp salad, and old bread for lunch.

And now my stomach hurts. A lot.





I have got to get out.

Doin' Xmas NYC Style

Wednesday I ran home from work so I could hop on a train to the city. I had plans to do some sightseeing & shopping. What a fantastic day it was. The weather was beautiful..........high 60s? In late November? This is ridiculous but fine by me when trapsing around Manhattan.

I went up to Bryant Park, where they have set up a village for holday shopping. What surprised us was that there was a skating rink & a bar/lounge. It was a bit early to eat so I looked at all of the pretty items in the holiday village and worked my way up to Build-a-Bear. I had something I needed to get & it can only be purchased at this store.

By 4:30 I headed back to Bryant Park & grabbed a table for two outside & was ready to order. I had a country salad that had pears, candied walnuts, and bleu cheese all tossed in a balsalmic vinagrette. It was so good. I also had a hot chocolate. How could I not? I was in the park, overlooking the rink, wathcing all of the people go by & have fun. I must say, I want to go back in the evening to order a martini & share either the cheese platter or the fondue.

Wrapping things up, I headed over to Rockefeller Center to see the tree lighting. I stood out there for a bit but it was INSANE! Houling it in to Sax Fifth Avenue, I spent some time wandering there. I fould a pair of Gucci to-die-for shoes but they are $565, so I don't think my feet will have the pleasure any time soon. About ten minutes before the lighting, I headed up to the 5th floor & chatted with a salesman. He let me look out the window to watch the switch flip, but couldn't let anyone know i was there. So I hid behind the curtain and watched.

I've never seen the tree not lit before, so this was impressive. I had such a good time.

The Morning After

Stuffed beyond belief, I was one of the crazy people out by 7:00 am on Black Friday. I love love love going through the fliers on Wednesday & Thursday & planning my strategy to hit all of the stores to get the great sales. And that is exactly what I did. I went to all of the stores on my list, managed to get the items I so desired, and was home by 12:00. I was exhausted, but thrilled that I had knocked off a few things from my shopping list for this season. I even managed to get myself a cute little something (oh please--like I wouldn't?). I got my Juicy zip-up (or down as my students tell me) hoodie. I adore it because it says "For Girls Who Like Stuff" on the back. And I look cute in it, too!

I wore heels to do my shpping in...and this was my downfall. I usually go out in heels but this day it just did not work. My feet & legs were dying by 11 and when KDP called me at 6 to go out, I couldn't move. I felt so bad not going but I physically could not walk. It was nuts! I must say that this is the second time in my life where I literlly shopped 'til I dropped.