So Cowboy is one day in to his drive back across country. My heart? Is broken. All over again. Why? I don't know. All I know is that I can not help who I have feelings for. I wish it wasn't him. I pray each night that it's not him. But, it's him. And he is a screw-up. Big time. And I do not need his drama, lame attempts at nothing, nor his fantasy land wishful lifestyle. But I do need him.
I've tried. Goodness knows I've tried. Tried to get over him. Tried to block him out of my life. Tried to be friends with him. Tried going to bars and lounges and concerts and activities to meet others. Tried online dating to meet others (just had scary encounters and nightmares from that !). Tried being fixed up with people. Tried throwing myself into my work (a whole other box of scary with that one).
Thought I was going to try and work back to being with him. My heart did that all in one glance when I got off of the plane and saw him.
I try not to be drawn to him. I am, though.
I don't want lectures. I don't want pity. I don't want reassurance.
I just want a smile and to know that my friends will still be there to just go and hang out..........get coffee........go to bars..... and remind me why I am supposed to be happy being single. Because that is what I am.
And reality is beginnng to suck.
