"Debbie" and I Don't Get Along

I have had a bad history with women named Deborah. Or Debra. Or Debbie. We do not get along. And that's the nice way of saying it. I have had students in the past with whom I clash. The single relating factor? Their name. Cowboy's mother? Also a "D". It's just a bad mix from the beginning and I don't see it (nor do I remember) until they lash out and tear me to pieces.

Last night was no different. I gave a final exam to my Ethics class. It was 40 questions. I said to give me a half an hour and then they could come back, pick up the graded exam and their last research paper. One young "D" did just that. And she was not happy. She earned a "B-" on her paper and believes it to warrant a much higher grade. She came in and knelt next to me and asked me why I "gave" her such a grade. I started with the "you earned it" speech. She then said that her friend (in the class) wrote a paper just like her's but earned a higher grade. I pointed out that you can not compare papers. I mentioned that her's was full of mechanical errors, was written in a conversational tone, and did not have a Works Cited page. She said that this is not an English class so I should not be grading them based on grammar and mechanics. I said that this is a college paper, meaning college-level writing is in order. This was when she stood up, backed away to the door, and then unleashed a tirade on me of how I am a bad teacher, nobody liked the class, everybody said they had a hard time learning....blah blah blah. I said "Everybody? And you are the spokesperson taking the fall?" She threatened to go to the Dean about this. I said that she should take the whole class if it was truly that bad.

That's when she came to the desk & snatched her paper away, telling me the Dean would read it and see it is worth more. She has a 3.8 GPA and isn't about to let an easy class like mine ruin her grade. Yeah. She said it was easy, yet she did terribly.

She pointed out that she is not an English major and I should not grade papers as such. She also said that it was a waste of time to learn about philosophers because they have nothing to do with Ethics. And then she was angry because I showed two movies and did not test them on the content. Why? Why didn't I? I tried to explain the meaning of supplemental material but she didn't want it.

She stormed off. I went to Academics with a student who had to take another test for my class. A second student came down and said that there was some girl upset in Admissions and they were agreeing with her that my classes are too hard and all of that crap. She then asked me why the girl had said the things about philosophy and I explained it. She then asked about the "Harry Potter" comment........I had given them an article last week to read in class about Rowling "outing" Dumbeldore and how does this fit int ethics. "D" was mad because we discussed it for 15 minutes and it was not on the test. What was the point of me bringing it in if I wasn't going to test them. ???!!!!!!!!

Insert all sorts of frustrated profanity now.

I went to deal with another student and that's when I got the email. She ranted on about how she was going to apologize but she heard me talking with the other two women and that I am a horrible teaacher and the Dean will take care of all of this.

BAsically, my head will roll, according to her. And since the Dean and I do not mesh well....it probably will roll.

I have 40 weeks of this job left. I just need to hang on to it for a bit longer. Give me strength.

A Whole Other Box of Scary.....(told you I'd need it)

I was chatting online last night with JW. He & I have this "fade in....fade out" thing going on forever. We talk and chat & hang out for a few weeks & then we do not speak at all for a few months. We're on the "hang out phase" again.

He recently went to Vegas.....oh so jealous(!)........and met a woman. Shocker. She is now the "love of his life". Even bigger shocker. He started our conversation with "Long distance relationships suck". I said "yes, they do. Why would you say that, though? Are you in one?" And so it began: he met a woman in Vegas who he has very strong feelings for. She lives in Detroit and he has been to visit her twice since meeting her six weeks ago. She is supposed to come here between now and the holidays and he is planning on going back there within the same period.

He wants to propse. At first, it may have been the "love" idea. But its not. He said he's tired of playing games and just wants to move on with his life. Don't we all? I suggested he see how it goes between now and the holidays. Nope. Not possible. I suggested he see how she likes Long Island. Nope. Why wait to find out? Just pop the question and take it from there. Now I have learned that waiting isn't necessarily the best thing in all situations, but when he is tethered to the Island and has no idea if she is willing to move "for love", then waiting may be good. Eight weeks won't hurt, will they?

That's when he proposed to me. ??? I said "You just professed your love for another woman. I can't be anybody's #2." He pointed out that he had not yet proposed, so technically I was not #2.......BIG stretch there, buddy. And that we get along, want the same tihngs, have fun together......yadda yadda yadda..........Not the way to win this woman over. PLUS I am not the "virtual marrying type". If someone is going to ask me such a question, do it to my face. Blah.

I'm all for getting on with life. He and I both want to be married (just I don't want to be married to him...or anyone that wants to do it just for the sake of saying they have a spouse) and we both want kids, but this is not the way. Even I know that. Yes, even in my state of depression, desperation, and despair, I know that much.

I just found the whole conversation odd, weird (but things with JW are usually), and a bit unsettling. I tried to play it off as a joke, but I think I may have hurt his feelings. I don't want to do that, but I don't want to get caught up in any weirdo fantasy that doesn't really have me as the starring role. Besides, if I wanted fantasy, Cowboy & I'd be "living on love" since he is broke & I work for the Patch.

When Will I Stop Scorching My Wings On That Damn Flame?

So Cowboy is one day in to his drive back across country. My heart? Is broken. All over again. Why? I don't know. All I know is that I can not help who I have feelings for. I wish it wasn't him. I pray each night that it's not him. But, it's him. And he is a screw-up. Big time. And I do not need his drama, lame attempts at nothing, nor his fantasy land wishful lifestyle. But I do need him.

I've tried. Goodness knows I've tried. Tried to get over him. Tried to block him out of my life. Tried to be friends with him. Tried going to bars and lounges and concerts and activities to meet others. Tried online dating to meet others (just had scary encounters and nightmares from that !). Tried being fixed up with people. Tried throwing myself into my work (a whole other box of scary with that one).

Thought I was going to try and work back to being with him. My heart did that all in one glance when I got off of the plane and saw him.

I try not to be drawn to him. I am, though.

I don't want lectures. I don't want pity. I don't want reassurance.

I just want a smile and to know that my friends will still be there to just go and hang out..........get coffee........go to bars..... and remind me why I am supposed to be happy being single. Because that is what I am.

And reality is beginnng to suck.

In Limbo

I can't stand it. My life is at crossroads in so many ways. Let's start with the job. Tuesday night was bad. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. I was practically in tears not wanting to get up and go to work on Wednesday. I just had this feeling that the aggravation was going to hit hard & fast. But, morning came & like a good little doobie, I went in and did what I had to do. However, I was not in the building five minutes when I heard "Grotter! You HAVE to fill out those forms!" (sidenote: the forms I have to fill out were given to us in August. They are a set of 'what I did last year' and 'what i plan to do this year'.) I filled them out ages ago and submitted them. In late 2006 through August of 2007, I did not go back to school nor did I take any type of class to continue my education. I also did not do any kind of community service. Why? I have no clue. No time. I donated money, clothes, presents, school supplies, and all sorts of other things when I saw drives came about, but I did not go to my local soup kitchen to serve. So, my chair kicked it back to me telling me it was not completely filled out. I read it over and resubmitted it. I can not lie and say I did things that I did not do. She kicked it back again. I said that this is how it has to be because I do not have material to verify/support any other actions. I thought it was done.

Back to yesterday with the "HAVE to fill out forms"..........she continued "I'm getting angry and you don't want me to have to yell. You don't want to see my other side. I'm a Gemini and my other side is not nice!" Now, I may have been slightly amused if this had been in her office between the two of us. But it wasn't. I was a few feet away by the secretary's desk and she was in her office. This was a more stern tone than I have heard her use before. So, no kidding or sarcasm in there at all. Faculty were walking by and heard this. Students walked by and heard this. How can one be so unprofessional. And I do not take lightly to threats. So I had to walk near her door and say "I understand dual signs. I'm a Pisces and have another side, too. And you don't want to see that side, either."

Then, last night, I was speaking with the Accounting man & his boss came over. Now, the boss has no use for me. He will talk with people with whom I am standing with and not look me in the eye once. He was on the whole "Online Ethics" course we had to take or we'd be fired. I said to him "How ethical is it to threaten to fire people for not having completed an online ethics training earlier than the date set by the corporation?" He said "I'm not going to reply to that. However, I am telling my people, next time, that it is due a month earlier and if they don't finish it then I will fire them." WHAT????? Are you serious? These people are nuts.

I need OUT.

On to the Western front and my Cowboy dilemma. I miss him. A lot. I want this to work. I had all of these ideas about the holidays and thought it could be good. Then he tells me that he's thinking of moving back to Portland. My heart dropped. He had just told me repeatedly, before I got to Columbus, while I was in Columbus, and since I have returned from there, that he misses me and wants us to be together. Somehow, I got sucked in. Sad to say, he was one of the better ones I have dated....even with the dating these past eight months....he was the best. Sad. Yes. True. Very. I can't help it. And now here he is saying he thinks he wants to go back. Why? Its been three months and his job is not paying enough. His living situation is not what it should be. All his own fault. I pointed that out. I have been telling him since he got the job he has that it was supposed to be a temporary thing so that he'd have money to find another job. He didn't listen. The living situation is his doing. He's in a motel. Like an Extend Stay set-up. Why? His friend's, that he was staying with, lease was up at the end of Sept. That guy & his roommate moved out at the end of August & told Cowboy he could stay until the end of Sept. Cowboy was going to get his own apartment. Then the parents dangled the idea of them buying a house there and letting him rent from them. Financially he thought it would be a smart move, so he has been doing the extend stay deal since. Then the boss & he had a disagreement on the job. So he has not been given hours. So he has no money. And can't afford to stay in the extend more than another week or two. And it's easier to run back to home than it is to stick this out. I saw a TON of job postings while I was there. So many major companies are located there. Headquarters for Abercrombie and Limited are there and both have openings. Even OSU has openings he could apply for.

But its easier to run home. Its easier to get jobs that high shcool kids and people with no diplomas can get. Responsibility is too frightening. Becoming an adult is too much. Fulfilling promises requires too much effort. So run home. That's the answer. He was able to do the hardest thing by himself: move away from home. He went all of way to Ohio by himself. He knew his original place would be temporary. He knew he'd have to live alone and make it by himself. But those are pretty easy to do once you've driven 2000+ miles away from family.

And everything he promised me..............just words. That's all he has to offer. And I am back to where I had been before I saw him. Lost and alone.

To sum this up: no job and no man. Limbo with what to do with my life.

Yuck.

Congrats to KDP!

KDP has been trying to buy a home of her won for a long time now. She finally found one back in late June. She was supposed to sign the papers and close the beginning of September. It didn't happen. Then she was supposed to close mid-September. It didn't happen. Let's just say this has gone on for a few weeks now.

Anywhoo..........yesterday, at 2:30pm, KDP finally signed those coveted papers & is now a proud homeowner with a beachy view!

All my best on this new adventure!

The Sunday Back-Up Plan

Ever since going in to the city to party it up for Crak's birthday, I have been texting with the Detective. If you remember, he & I met up at Stout back in May with Crak along for the show. He was okay....nice & all......but a one-upper. We decided to meet at Cozymels & he continued to brag the entire time. Tre' insecure.

Anyway, I thought I saw him patrolling Penn that night &, buzzin' like a fool, texted him. Well, that started a whole "texting friendship" that I would have been more than happy to avoid. He wants to get together. For about a month now. Always for a drink. Always on a Sunday night. I keep pointing out that I am not up for Sunday night cocktails. I work a 15-hr day Monday. I meet up with KDP many a Sunday night to chat & rehash the weekend.

I wanted to know if Sundays were best for him for some reason. So I texted "Why Sundays?" He sent it back "I thought that was best for you." I replied "No. I would prefer Thursdays through Saturdays. Is Sunday your only day off during the weekend?" His response: "No. I am off Friday through Sunday."

I left it at that. I am not somebody's fall-back plan on a weekend. There's no way I want some guy to prowl the weekend away and then, if nothing comes of it, think of me for Sunday night. Why? So he has some story to tell the guys at work? Forget it.

He called while I was in Columbus. He left a message saying he didn't know if I was still away or back or what & wanted to see if I wanted to get together. Sunday night.

So, I text him. Yes. I'm still away. Columbus is really nice. Having fun.

He sends it back "Yeah.....great city. I passed through it on my way to Cincinatti. I saw it from the Interstate."

So that's how its a great city? You drove past it? Again, everything with him is a "I've done that" scenario. His job. His car. His trips. Let him keep doing it without me.

I am not a fall-back plan.

What are you a card-carrying member of?

My mom told me a story today of a woman who attends our church and her experience in the dating world. She had been married for 7 years & it turned sour. Quite early apparently. The man only had a job for 3 months over the seven years they were married. UGH! LOSER!

So she divorced him and stayed single for a year. Then people began setting her up & she went out on dates. One here. Two there. Never leading to anything.

She went to Barnes & Noble one day to look at a book of literature from the 16th century. Pretty odd & yet oh so specific, right? And a man began chatting with her about the book. He had read it & found it quite interesting! He then asked if she wanted to go get coffee. She figured, why not? It's daylight. It's coffee. She had her car & keys. There'd be witnesses. And he was interested in the same obscure literature she was. Could be a match!

So they went to get coffee & had a great time talking. After an hour and a half of pleasantries, he asked if she'd like to exchange numbers. She said fine. He pulls out two cards. One was his phone number.....his business card. The other? His S&M card. Yup! He's a card-carrying S&M man.

Who does that?

Needless to say she has sworn off dating completely. Is there any hope for any of us?