Well, that's it. Cowboy & I are over. Completely. I know some people think we've been done for quite some time now, but the truth is that we weren't. We were still in love with eachother. We wanted to try and make things work. We talked all of the time. But, it is no longer.
He's been talking very differently to me for the last three weeks. Three weeks ago, I listened to him talk about this woman (slut) that he works with & how she would call him & text him & never leave him alone. I said that he should ask her out on a date if he wants to. He became angry with me and said "Why do you say these things to me? You know I don't want anyone else." I felt bad & apologized and the next morning sent him a text that said "you know you are still my best friend and I am still in love with you". He sent one back (when he woke up & got it hours later) "Thak you so much. I needed to know that."
Ever since then the calls are sporadic. Granted, he just got promoted and his hours have changed. He's been hanging out with her and other people & having fun & helping to pick up the pieces of their lives. I pointed this out to him last Friday and he wasn't too happy. I got the bum's rush & he was off to pick them all up & go out. He said "I may call you later".
I didn't hear from him & had called him and that conversation was a cold one. I put him on the spot and asked him what was wrong & what was going on with us. He said nothing was wrong and nothing had changed between us. I told him how I was jealous that he's always driving these people around & helping to straighten up their lives & could never help me with mine. I told him I was always picking up the pieces of his life but he never jumped like this for me. He said that's because I don't need anyone to do that. I said that was not true and he said it was. I didn't need him. (I am tired of people saying this to me. I do need them. I may not be a total basketcase but I have noticed when I am they are never there for me.)
I said to him last night that I needed reassurance that we were okay. I got nothing. I became suspicious. He called & left a message today that he was out shopping & would be busy the rest of the night. I called him back just now & managed to catch him on his way home. I told him that I still needed something from him and he said "I care about you a lot". That is VERY DIFFERENT from "i am in love with you". I said this & he was quiet. I said "How come I can give you that reassurance but get nothing from you? I need you now to pick up a piece and you can't do it." Still---nothing. I said "Just say it. You love me but are not in love with me." He said "Yes. That's it. I just didn't want to hurt you." ???!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? You what!?! I told him how he basically used me like every other guy I dated and now that he has his life settling in & there's no room for me he can move on. He said he didn't use me. Well, what the heck do you call that? In three weeks time you change? You needed my love three weeks ago but now don't have any for me?
I hung up crying and that is what I am doing now. It was so comforting to know that someone still felt that way about me. And we did get along so well & he was such a good sport about so many tihngs. I miss him terribly every day & was so happy each night that we'd talk. I was so set on him being able to move to Ohio (where I'd consider moving to if I could get a job) or back here (so I wouldn't have to move at all) and now it's over. Seeing him in September was reassuring that I mattered. That we made eachother feel good. I was all set to hit "Purchase" on a ticket to Portland for Jan 2 while we talked. Thank goodness I didn't do that.
Happy F*^*%@n holidays to me.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Mr. Sandman
I am so tired. I don't know why. I am falling asleep before 11:30 and not waking up to the alarm. I had to move it acros the room so I would stop shutting it off in my sleep. I almost fell asleep in class today. They were peer-editing so I had no real reason to interact with them, but when you feel your head bobbing forward, it can't be good. I don't like to be tired. For me it usually means the onset of a CFS episode, which can last for weeks at a time.
To compound the exhaustion, I have a migraine that is so terrible I can barely function. It's been pounding away since 12 today. I had to cancel plans for this evening because I am a waste. I can't drive like this & noise (in general) is driving me insane.
And, the situation with Cowboy has not improved. The depression from this compounds this whole issue. I fear losing what seems to be the last relationship I will have for awhile..........even if it hasn't really been a relationship this last year.
I am just asking for a restful night's sleep, the relief of this migraine, and ....................lost my train of thought with the pounding in my head. I'll try to remember what it is I wanted to write.
To compound the exhaustion, I have a migraine that is so terrible I can barely function. It's been pounding away since 12 today. I had to cancel plans for this evening because I am a waste. I can't drive like this & noise (in general) is driving me insane.
And, the situation with Cowboy has not improved. The depression from this compounds this whole issue. I fear losing what seems to be the last relationship I will have for awhile..........even if it hasn't really been a relationship this last year.
I am just asking for a restful night's sleep, the relief of this migraine, and ....................lost my train of thought with the pounding in my head. I'll try to remember what it is I wanted to write.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
I Have No Right To Be...........But I Am
Cowboy called me while I was in the city on Wednesday night. I asked him if I could call him back when I was home & not battling the NYC lunacy. He said I probably wouldn't be able to get in touch with him because he was headed over to a friend's house to "comfort her". She was just fired from her job & he ....indirectly.... was getting that position. He felt bad & was heading over to her apartment to help cheer her up. He griped about the company & I thought 'Uh-Oh. He'll quit'. That's what he does. Something ticks him off & he jumps ship.
Anyway, I figured I'd try to get in touch with him anyway. It went to voicemail. No biggie. But my eyes went green. He never hauled himself out to console me. Not like this. And he isn't dating this woman....as far as I know. I left him a message & said I'd talk to him Thursday.
Well, no word from him on Thursday. There is a 3-hour difference between us & he works from 1-9...2-10? I don't know. And that's his time. Which means it's approaching 12 or 1 am here. I am not awake. So we wouldn't be able to talk.
Friday rolls around & there's no message, text, or missed call. I called him and thought I'd hear back. Nope. I sent a text. He replied his time 11 pm. Umm.....you get breaks. Jerk. Can't call me and we're friends+ for five years but you can run ragged for this woman you know three months. Yup.
He called me about an hour ago...10:30 his time. He's on the road to pick up people and head out to some Winter Festival. Sounds nice! I kidded around with him that I couldn't get him out at that hour. He didn't find it funny. I could get him out but if I wanted to be on the road by 9 am he was leaving Commack at 9:05 to still make the 25/30 minute drive to me. So I have a right to be bitter...just a bit. I then said I thought I hadn't heard from him because he went to console this woman & felt so bad that he 1) proposed to her to make her feel better & they are on their way to Reno or Vegas to make it official OR 2) quit his job & he's now living with her because his family would kill him if he did that again. He said "No, I didn't quit my job. Aren't there any good scenarios?" I pointed out that he skipped over the marriage/living with her thing & he didn't reply. I am not sure if he was avoiding it because I am semi-correct or if he ignored me because I ticked him off. He usually hates when I say things like that. But those green eyes get the best of me.
He said he'd "try" to call me later on. I said he shouldn't worry about it because it's no big deal. He said "Yeah. I may try. I don't know."
It's not that I don't want him to be happy. It's not that I don't want him to have a life and a girlfriend. It's just that I want a boyfriend first. Is that so wrong of me?
Anyway, I figured I'd try to get in touch with him anyway. It went to voicemail. No biggie. But my eyes went green. He never hauled himself out to console me. Not like this. And he isn't dating this woman....as far as I know. I left him a message & said I'd talk to him Thursday.
Well, no word from him on Thursday. There is a 3-hour difference between us & he works from 1-9...2-10? I don't know. And that's his time. Which means it's approaching 12 or 1 am here. I am not awake. So we wouldn't be able to talk.
Friday rolls around & there's no message, text, or missed call. I called him and thought I'd hear back. Nope. I sent a text. He replied his time 11 pm. Umm.....you get breaks. Jerk. Can't call me and we're friends+ for five years but you can run ragged for this woman you know three months. Yup.
He called me about an hour ago...10:30 his time. He's on the road to pick up people and head out to some Winter Festival. Sounds nice! I kidded around with him that I couldn't get him out at that hour. He didn't find it funny. I could get him out but if I wanted to be on the road by 9 am he was leaving Commack at 9:05 to still make the 25/30 minute drive to me. So I have a right to be bitter...just a bit. I then said I thought I hadn't heard from him because he went to console this woman & felt so bad that he 1) proposed to her to make her feel better & they are on their way to Reno or Vegas to make it official OR 2) quit his job & he's now living with her because his family would kill him if he did that again. He said "No, I didn't quit my job. Aren't there any good scenarios?" I pointed out that he skipped over the marriage/living with her thing & he didn't reply. I am not sure if he was avoiding it because I am semi-correct or if he ignored me because I ticked him off. He usually hates when I say things like that. But those green eyes get the best of me.
He said he'd "try" to call me later on. I said he shouldn't worry about it because it's no big deal. He said "Yeah. I may try. I don't know."
It's not that I don't want him to be happy. It's not that I don't want him to have a life and a girlfriend. It's just that I want a boyfriend first. Is that so wrong of me?
Friday, December 01, 2006
Awareness
Today, December 1, 2006, is the 19th Annual AIDS Awareness Day. It is also the 25th anniversary of the discovery of the true disease and it's complications. It's so weird to live in a world now where people have grown up not realizing that this is a serious problem. It is estimated that 4 million people are diagnosed every year. Frightening.
Be aware. Take care. Stay safe.
Be aware. Take care. Stay safe.
Crappy Pasta (Amongst Other Things)
It's the first Friday of the month & that means a training session at work. Once again, they made us sit through the same mombo-gumbo that we have heard for a few years now. The difference? The background settings for the powerpoint presentation were different. Oooooooooo.................pretty. We did not get breakfast. And then they slam us with some yucky pasta alfredo (that a few people can't eat for dietary/health reasons), a limp salad, and old bread for lunch.
And now my stomach hurts. A lot.
I have got to get out.
And now my stomach hurts. A lot.
I have got to get out.
Doin' Xmas NYC Style
Wednesday I ran home from work so I could hop on a train to the city. I had plans to do some sightseeing & shopping. What a fantastic day it was. The weather was beautiful..........high 60s? In late November? This is ridiculous but fine by me when trapsing around Manhattan.
I went up to Bryant Park, where they have set up a village for holday shopping. What surprised us was that there was a skating rink & a bar/lounge. It was a bit early to eat so I looked at all of the pretty items in the holiday village and worked my way up to Build-a-Bear. I had something I needed to get & it can only be purchased at this store.
By 4:30 I headed back to Bryant Park & grabbed a table for two outside & was ready to order. I had a country salad that had pears, candied walnuts, and bleu cheese all tossed in a balsalmic vinagrette. It was so good. I also had a hot chocolate. How could I not? I was in the park, overlooking the rink, wathcing all of the people go by & have fun. I must say, I want to go back in the evening to order a martini & share either the cheese platter or the fondue.
Wrapping things up, I headed over to Rockefeller Center to see the tree lighting. I stood out there for a bit but it was INSANE! Houling it in to Sax Fifth Avenue, I spent some time wandering there. I fould a pair of Gucci to-die-for shoes but they are $565, so I don't think my feet will have the pleasure any time soon. About ten minutes before the lighting, I headed up to the 5th floor & chatted with a salesman. He let me look out the window to watch the switch flip, but couldn't let anyone know i was there. So I hid behind the curtain and watched.
I've never seen the tree not lit before, so this was impressive. I had such a good time.
I went up to Bryant Park, where they have set up a village for holday shopping. What surprised us was that there was a skating rink & a bar/lounge. It was a bit early to eat so I looked at all of the pretty items in the holiday village and worked my way up to Build-a-Bear. I had something I needed to get & it can only be purchased at this store.
By 4:30 I headed back to Bryant Park & grabbed a table for two outside & was ready to order. I had a country salad that had pears, candied walnuts, and bleu cheese all tossed in a balsalmic vinagrette. It was so good. I also had a hot chocolate. How could I not? I was in the park, overlooking the rink, wathcing all of the people go by & have fun. I must say, I want to go back in the evening to order a martini & share either the cheese platter or the fondue.
Wrapping things up, I headed over to Rockefeller Center to see the tree lighting. I stood out there for a bit but it was INSANE! Houling it in to Sax Fifth Avenue, I spent some time wandering there. I fould a pair of Gucci to-die-for shoes but they are $565, so I don't think my feet will have the pleasure any time soon. About ten minutes before the lighting, I headed up to the 5th floor & chatted with a salesman. He let me look out the window to watch the switch flip, but couldn't let anyone know i was there. So I hid behind the curtain and watched.
I've never seen the tree not lit before, so this was impressive. I had such a good time.
The Morning After
Stuffed beyond belief, I was one of the crazy people out by 7:00 am on Black Friday. I love love love going through the fliers on Wednesday & Thursday & planning my strategy to hit all of the stores to get the great sales. And that is exactly what I did. I went to all of the stores on my list, managed to get the items I so desired, and was home by 12:00. I was exhausted, but thrilled that I had knocked off a few things from my shopping list for this season. I even managed to get myself a cute little something (oh please--like I wouldn't?). I got my Juicy zip-up (or down as my students tell me) hoodie. I adore it because it says "For Girls Who Like Stuff" on the back. And I look cute in it, too!
I wore heels to do my shpping in...and this was my downfall. I usually go out in heels but this day it just did not work. My feet & legs were dying by 11 and when KDP called me at 6 to go out, I couldn't move. I felt so bad not going but I physically could not walk. It was nuts! I must say that this is the second time in my life where I literlly shopped 'til I dropped.
I wore heels to do my shpping in...and this was my downfall. I usually go out in heels but this day it just did not work. My feet & legs were dying by 11 and when KDP called me at 6 to go out, I couldn't move. I felt so bad not going but I physically could not walk. It was nuts! I must say that this is the second time in my life where I literlly shopped 'til I dropped.
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