I have been running continuously since Cowboy destroyed me. I have gone back to work (occupational hazzard of the educational profession) and I have taken every "out" that has come along & even made some of my own.
The problem? The tears haven't lessened. I can cry at a moment's notice. And I am tired. I don't mean "Oh I need to lay down for a little while" tired. I mean I had to cancel plans for last night (and non-existent plans with Crak that I didn't know about) and I laid down at 9:00 to watch t.v. and fell asleep at 9:30. My mother vacuumed (literally) around me and I didn't blink. I woke up at 7:30 this morning to realize that I hadn't gone to bed. Shocker! To say the least.
And can I point out that people who continue to bash Cowboy to me aren't doing anything except hurting me. I get it. You don't like him. I understand you "hate him for what he has done". I can't bring myself to hate him. I loved him & still do. I wish he was in love with me. I can't take the last 4 1/2 years & pretend they didn't happen. I can't take the feelings I have and say "Oh well!" and move on. I thought he was my future & was thrilled with this notion. I am not able to shut it off like a switch as I can with most feelings for people or things. So, Yes, you are entitled to feel however you want to about him. This does not mean I have to listen to it. To top it off, let me point out those of you who still pine away for someone who you dated....and to some of you who didn't date "that someone" but were friends with just so you could be close to them and have that 'unrequited love' crap that I stood by you for. Was it 4 1/2 years of love, memories, trips, pain, and support? Was it real enough to consider having as your future? No? Then leave me alone. Yes, I may be wallowing in this but I can't make myself stop having feelings for him. But, I am also the one who is going out. All of the time. Yes, the running is exhausting but I have not gone hermit & I am trying to find someone to occupy my time so I don't cry on the drive home after the evening's festivities are over. So, give me what I need & if you do care for me at all you will be patient and understanding rather than trashing the guy I still am in love with.
