Well, that's it. Cowboy & I are over. Completely. I know some people think we've been done for quite some time now, but the truth is that we weren't. We were still in love with eachother. We wanted to try and make things work. We talked all of the time. But, it is no longer.
He's been talking very differently to me for the last three weeks. Three weeks ago, I listened to him talk about this woman (slut) that he works with & how she would call him & text him & never leave him alone. I said that he should ask her out on a date if he wants to. He became angry with me and said "Why do you say these things to me? You know I don't want anyone else." I felt bad & apologized and the next morning sent him a text that said "you know you are still my best friend and I am still in love with you". He sent one back (when he woke up & got it hours later) "Thak you so much. I needed to know that."
Ever since then the calls are sporadic. Granted, he just got promoted and his hours have changed. He's been hanging out with her and other people & having fun & helping to pick up the pieces of their lives. I pointed this out to him last Friday and he wasn't too happy. I got the bum's rush & he was off to pick them all up & go out. He said "I may call you later".
I didn't hear from him & had called him and that conversation was a cold one. I put him on the spot and asked him what was wrong & what was going on with us. He said nothing was wrong and nothing had changed between us. I told him how I was jealous that he's always driving these people around & helping to straighten up their lives & could never help me with mine. I told him I was always picking up the pieces of his life but he never jumped like this for me. He said that's because I don't need anyone to do that. I said that was not true and he said it was. I didn't need him. (I am tired of people saying this to me. I do need them. I may not be a total basketcase but I have noticed when I am they are never there for me.)
I said to him last night that I needed reassurance that we were okay. I got nothing. I became suspicious. He called & left a message today that he was out shopping & would be busy the rest of the night. I called him back just now & managed to catch him on his way home. I told him that I still needed something from him and he said "I care about you a lot". That is VERY DIFFERENT from "i am in love with you". I said this & he was quiet. I said "How come I can give you that reassurance but get nothing from you? I need you now to pick up a piece and you can't do it." Still---nothing. I said "Just say it. You love me but are not in love with me." He said "Yes. That's it. I just didn't want to hurt you." ???!!!!!!!!!!!?????????? You what!?! I told him how he basically used me like every other guy I dated and now that he has his life settling in & there's no room for me he can move on. He said he didn't use me. Well, what the heck do you call that? In three weeks time you change? You needed my love three weeks ago but now don't have any for me?
I hung up crying and that is what I am doing now. It was so comforting to know that someone still felt that way about me. And we did get along so well & he was such a good sport about so many tihngs. I miss him terribly every day & was so happy each night that we'd talk. I was so set on him being able to move to Ohio (where I'd consider moving to if I could get a job) or back here (so I wouldn't have to move at all) and now it's over. Seeing him in September was reassuring that I mattered. That we made eachother feel good. I was all set to hit "Purchase" on a ticket to Portland for Jan 2 while we talked. Thank goodness I didn't do that.
Happy F*^*%@n holidays to me.
