Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

I heard this joke on the radio last night & burst out laughing:

There were two peanuts walking down the street the other day & one was assaulted (a salted....get it?).

He's A Mean One.....Mr. Grinch

Christmas was going along okay yesterday. I am still under-the-weather and had to rest a lot during the festivities. Things seemed fine when I heard my phone beep. A text came through from the infamous Cowboy wishing me a merry christmas. Yeah--thanks. I went out for dinner to a relative's home & got back late. There's a voicemail for me. Yippee! I had talked to everyone already so I wondered who it was.................idiot. "Hi, Tanya....it's me. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I don't know if you want to hear from me but I wanted to tell you. I wish you'd call. I still love you."

I muddle it through. The words I wanted to hear. But not the way I wanted to hear them. So, exhausted and still sick, I decide to call him around 11pm. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I told him it was hard to call him because I want him to be in love with me...not love me. I told him I was so confused. He said after I sent that text in November telling him I was still in love with him he went out with friends & they asked if I was moving there. He said not that he knew of. They said then this won't ever work, will it. He thought about it & decided...without telling me...that it wasn't going anywhere & that's why he did this. I came back with "What happened to Ohio? What happened to us making that work? What happened to me driving it with you? And what happened to seeing eachother next week?" I told him about moving there for the summer & if I could find permanent work, staying out there for a bit longer than 4 months. He asked me why I hadn't told him. I said "I wanted to tell you in person, not over the phone. I would have told you next week. But apparently your new friends already changed your ideas. You had already moved on to Laura (the slut)." He said "I wasn't dating her then"...............................I choked. I said "What do you mean 'then'? That means you are dating her" He said "It kind of happened." I said "Kind of? Isn't this the one who used you to get another guy & she slept with him that same night?" His reply? "Well, I can't be sure she did. That may not be true." OKAY---what woman tells another guy she slept with a guy on the first day he would give her the time of day if it wasn't true? So I said "Don't back peddle this now. Don't make her out to be all innocent." And the Ohio thing? He said he chickened out. I asked him why he didn't just tell me. He said he didn't know how. Am I that hard to talk to? I supported him staying there. I supported him moving to Ohio. I repeatedly asked him to come back to NY.

He told me his feelings for me aren't changed & that he "put a wall up because it hurts so much" and all that crap. I hung up bawling saying "My Christmas was missing you & I spent it all alone & now I find out you spent it in the arms of another. Thank you for destroying my holiday". And I hung up. I am literaly nauseus over this. How do you love someone for so long & then in 3 weeks date someone else? Again--slut--and I say this because of what she did. It's not that I don't fault him at all in this but how do you go from dating me to dating a slut? It makes no sense.

Quarantined

I have been in this house for a week now. My last REAL outing was Sunday night when I went out for coffee with JW. Since then, I went to work Monday through Thursday & had come home, crashing each time because I was getting sick. Well, since Thursday morning, I have had a full-blown case of the flu. I had plans Wednesday night, Thursday afternoon & evening, Friday & yesterday & I had to bail on ALL of them. This flu is driving me crazy. For those who know me, I would have to have my arm severed off before I'd go to the doctor/hospital. I ended up going yesterday because I had no relief. What do I need to do? Relax. Drink plenty of fluids. Let it run it's course. Drat!

To add salt to my wounds, Cowboy called yesterday (on his way to work, ofcourse, incase I picked up we'd have LIMITED -- 10 minutes -- to talk) and left me a message saying how he feels bad that I am so hurt & he is hurting too but he didn't know how to do this......blah blah blah...........he hopes I have a happy holiday. So, because I can blame it on all of the medication swirling around in me, I called him when I knew he wouldn't pick up & said how I miss him & don't understand this & see no need to talk because when I ask him the questions he doesn't want to answer I'll get the "I don't know" response & it'll be good that he is 3000 miles away because I'd punch him if he said that to my face. I told him that he did exactly what all the others did & that's okay. He fits the mold of all the guys he scoffed at before him. I then wished him a happy holiday too. That was it. I didn't say it sarcastically, if you wanted to know. I said it all quietly because if I raised my voice at all I would have screamed or cried....and I won't give him that satisfaction. You can tell me not to call him but he owes me money still & I will have to keep some form of contact so I can try to get it without turning it into a legal issue.

I am going stir crazy in this house.

I'm Such A Wirl.........I Think

Elaine gave me a book to read titled "The 10 Women You'll Be Before You're 35" and I have been reading/skimming it for two weeks now. I see my current self in so many of the ten that the author describes. However, I seem to hold more qualities of a wirl than anything else.

Here's the list that tells one if she is in the "wirl" stage:

*you can sit in a room with someone in college and someone turning 40 and you
relate to both pretty well
*you wonder if the guy you're dating will ever propose to you, and then you're
terrified he might and you'll have to follow through with it.
*you research home equity loans, tax brackets, and life insurance on the internet.
10 minutes later you are playing video games on that same computer. (so me!)
*your siblings, friends, and parents are showing signs of aging for the first time
*people who were born while you were in high school are now driving, and something
about hat just seems wrong.
*professional athletes look like babies but you can still date one without raising
eyebrows


a big thing is someone calling you "Ma'am". I hate that one. This chapter also talks about the body issues.....metabolism slowing down & actually counting stupid calories, the fashion issue where you can still wear a tank, minishirt, and strappy sandals but the suit for work looks good too, you question what it means to "act your age".

While I enjoyed this book, it's driving me crazy to see the stages of life & independence in writing. It makes reality set in & that just sux.

Day 15 of Detox

As each day passes, I guess I am getting better. When Cowboy first told me that it was over, I cried so much that my everything hurt. I didn't say anything right away becasue the mere thought if it drove me over the edge. A couple days later it was all I could talk about. Every sentence began with "How could he?" and "Why did he...?" with hopes of someone having the answer I need so much.

When the first text came through, I was yanked back to crying hysterics. The second brought about anger & insult.

Now, I have not heard from him since that last text in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I think I am geting better. I am still hopeful that this will all blow over & he'll call & say it was a mistake & let's try this again. Yet, if I don't hear from him, I may be able to hang on to that last strand of sanity that (I think) I have.

I wonder how I will feel on Christmas & New Years? That will be so tough. And the three weeks off won't help the recovery process too much. I will just have to wait and see how I deal with it.

~Treading water

Glimmery S*itter

Crak & I exchanged gifts today at work. She is a riot. For some reason, she was trying to say shimmery & glitter at the same time & it came out wrong. I didn't realize it at frist, but I knew it was wrong & I said it back to her. That was when the actual words hit us! Yeah-----major slippage. Also, I shall no longer refer to her as Crak. Rather she & I are interchangeable enough to go as "Elaine & Suzie" (if you don't know that episode of 'Seinfeld'...nevermind).

Anyway..........the gifts..................

Elaine (or Suzie) gave me a Festivus Holiday book. To quote her: Hil. Air. E. Us. I want to host a Festivus party and use the recipes & decorating tips from this hysterical book. The next gift was a "How To Be Your Own Fairy Godmother" & it came with a pink star-shaped "fairy wand" that is actually a pen! Too Cute! Finally, she made a shirt with our new names on it. The front says "Elaine and Suzie..." and the back finishes off our famous saying....."Suzie & Elaine". I wanted to cry from laughing.

Thanks, Elaine, for the laughs & the funniest (and most appropriate) gifts! It was a Festivus miracle.

A Happy Festivus Season to all!

The Most Interesting Cards I Have Ever Seen

I was in the card store near my house this afternoon looking for a card for work. I walked down one aisle and a group of cards caught my eye. I always like to stop and read the ones that are the water color backgrounds....you know the ones that are all muted colors and one shade leads into the next? Yeah, those. Anyway, the topics started out pretty normal..."Thinking of You", "Missing You", "Sympathy" and then it got to "I'd Like To Get To Know You Better", "Sorry I Hurt You", "This Could Be Going Somewhere", and "I Am Not Sure This Will Work Out". It's like I walked down the reject aisle.....or better yet.....similar to the movie "Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys". These were the most misfit cards I have ever seen.