After letting out my night class, I looked at my cell & had 4 texts sitting there for me. They were all from Cowboy. Two were apologies, one was how the Fiance was a big mistake and that she never cared for him even the way I do now & the last was asking me if I would go and visit him because he needs to see me & wants to see someone who always truly cared for him.
I tried to reply. I meant to send something. I stressed over it so much that I fell asleep doing nothing. Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't this what I prayed for? And now its just so surreal & I would go but I can't afford it right now. Just paid a HUGE amount to go to Hawaii. On top of that, do I want to shell out 200+ to go see someone who could do this to me? Who is in rehab & now wants me for (again) semi-selfish reasons?
I want to go. I'd be on a plane this Thursday if I thought it would do something. But the idea of nothing coming of it & flying home after seeing him the way he is now is frightening. After all that has happened to me in the last 5 months, can my psyche handle it? All I can say is I want things ot be back to normal, but they never will be & I just don't know.
I just don't know.
